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By Leppy Pardalis
Every adult in Britain is to be given a hearty kick in the genitals with a hobnail boot.
The move is among the latest measures, including another national lockdown, announced by Prime Minister Boris Johnson as the battle to stem the spread of covid continues.
Mr Johnson said the overall aim was to deter people from going out and infecting others by giving them something more pressing to think about.
He added: “Wibble bibble Blitz Spirit light at the end of the tunnel protect our NHS Theseus and the Minotaur Carthage Pythagoras Winnie the Pooh and Tigger too.”
The news was greeted stoically by members of the public. “Yeah, whatever,” said the few who could be bothered expressing an opinion.
Of those, most believed being booted very hard in the genitals would be at least as effective as anything tried in the fight against covid so far.
The public voiced similar levels of enthusiasm for - and faith in - other planned measures, including sacrificing penguins, having pensioners dress up as one of the seven dwarves and blowing hungry weasels up one another’s bottoms using cardboard tubes from kitchen rolls.
Special emergency unisex Boot-up-the-babymaker stations are to be set up at community centres and sports facilities throughout the country. Most of the kicks in the genitals will be delivered by qualified medical personnel, although the Army may be brought in where necessary.
It is understood that a team of specialist Government scientists is currently working on an automated delivery system, possibly involving attaching several hobnail boots filled with concrete to a revolving door at groin level and having NHS workers take turns to give it a good old spin.