Sign Up for our newsletter

Starmer to condemn Rwanda deportations when he finds a way not to upset racists he's wooing

By Leppy Pardalis

Sources close to Labour leader and renowned human rights lawyer Sir Keir Starmer have explained his stance on the Tory policy of deporting migrants to Rwanda.

They say he will issue a full and thorough condemnation as soon as he can find a way of doing so without alienating the stupid racist bastard voters who defected from Labour to the Tories, and whom Labour is desperate to win back. 

Although the deportation policy is so obscene that the first flight was halted by the European Court of Human Rights, Sir Keir has yet to condemn it outright or pledge that a Labour Government would abandon the scheme.

Instead he has merely confined himself to saying the organisation of the deportations is incompetent.

A Labour spokesperson said: “There are few things more important to Sir Keir and the party than taking a stance against a foul Government policy which further demonises the desperate people who make the perilous crossing to our shores.

“However, one of more important things is Sir Keir becoming Prime Minister, no matter how. The deportation policy, while undoubtedly obscene and an affront to international law, is very popular among the sort of fuckwit who still believes any old shite about ‘them’ coming to take ‘our’ jobs.

“These fuckwits are the very fuckwits who have defected to the Conservatives in large numbers because they decided Labour simply wasn’t horrible enough, and Sir Keir is naturally desperate to get himself into their good books once more.

“As soon as he finds a way of condemning the deportations without alienating this substantial body of voters, he shall do so.”