By Leppy Pardalis
“Thank heavens for my local pound shop,” said Macclesfield office administrator Mr Mike Renfield today.
“If I hadn’t seen its enormous display of Halloween lanterns, rubber spiders and other landfill, I would never have realised Easter was nearly upon us. I would have completely forgotten to go to the nearby supermarket and buy chocolate eggs for my family.”
Like many British people who find themselves furloughed or working from home, Mr Renfield has more or less completely lost track of the passage of weeks and months.
“It was only when my wife and I noticed a thick coating of blue fur on the leftover Christmas cake in the cupboard the other day that we realised it was late March,” he said.
“Mind you, I suppose the insectile scuttling sounds from inside the last few hazelnuts in the bowl on the coffee table should have been a clue.”
Mr Renfield has now resolved that until lockdown is fully over and he is able to return to his office, he will make a point of calling more often at the pound shop to remind himself of the changing seasons and impending public holidays.
“It’s quite simple, really,” he said. “Plastic pumpkins mean it’s nearly Easter, Father Christmases mean it’s time to slap on some sunscreen, novelty chocolates in the shape of genitalia and edible underwear with a love heart motif mean it’ll soon be Bonfire Night and Easter Eggs mean it’s Christmas.
“Of course, when I’m there I also make sure to stock up on things completely unrelated to special times of the year.
“I don’t know where I’d be, for example, without my electric firelighter in the shape of a big match, my battery-operated artificial cigarette I always worry is about to blow up and take my head off and, of course, my plastic grabber thing in the shape of a robot arm and my murderous fly-swatter that looks like an electrified tennis racket.
“Incidentally, if anybody else if thinking of buying one of the fly swatters, I’d recommend choosing one from the back of the display. The ones at the front tend to have little bits of singed flesh in the mesh from where people have been licking them for a laugh.
“You can’t be too careful with the pandemic and everything.”