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Remarkable new evidence that Michael Gove believes people give a toss about anything he says

By Leppy Pardalis

Michael Gove is still under the delusion that there are people who give a toss about his thoughts regarding anything whatsoever.

The astonishing revelation follows his recent pronouncements on a variety of issues which require his input about as much as the nozzle of a tube of pile cream requires a liberal coating of Tabasco sauce.

Most recently, the Cabinet Minister for nobody-quite-knows-what offered hollow reassurances and confusing nonsense about the safety of school pupils and the future of their lessons amid the ongoing covid crisis.

He did so in spite of the fact that spouting this category of blatant bollocks falls squarely within the remit of the Education Secretary.

“It’s as embarrassing as it’s bewildering,” said an unnamed Cabinet Office official. 

“The Pob-resembling nonentity has been hanging around for no apparent reason and generally getting in the way for ages. You know that fart you do in your car in your driveway before getting out of it last thing at night - the one that somehow survives until the next morning and is waiting for you when you get back in to drive to work? Well, to us Gove is the political equivalent of that fart. Like the fart, his presence is entirely our own fault but that doesn’t make matters any less unpleasant.

“You would have thought that giving him an obvious non-job with a blatantly made-up title would be enough to convey the message that he’s only kept on because otherwise he’d be more free to speak what passes for a mind and be even more of a liability to us than he is now, but no, he seems to think being in the Cabinet means he’s a national figure.

“He is a national figure, of course, but unfortunately he’s a national figure of horror and loathing.

“If we sent Jacob Rees-Mogg to means test every food bank client in person while wearing his top hat, that would probably do less damage to our reputation than any occasion on which Gove opens his mouth.”