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By Leppy Pardalis
Chancellor Rishi Sunak has praised Prime Minister Boris Johnson for decisiveness in ordering the latest national lockdown.
This came as a great surprise to the millions of people who believe the Prime Minister, in his handling of the entire crisis, has proven himself so indecisive that he probably couldn’t decide to take his trousers and underpants down before sitting on the lavatory.
The Chancellor’s words bewildered all those who wondered why Mr Johnson dithered for days after it became blatantly apparent that another lockdown was the only way of arresting the spread of the newer and more infectious covid variants, and that every hour of delay almost certainly represented yet more innocent lives unnecessarily lost.
However, an unmoved Mr Sunak insisted in the same interview: “The people of Britain can be as certain of Mr Johnson’s resolute decisiveness as they can of the sun rising in the West and illuminating the swirling mauve sky.
“His willingness to make swift decisions when lives are on the line, even if those decisions are unpopular, makes him a vital part of the fabric of this country. British life without Boris Johnson is as unthinkable as British life without the orange pigeons in the Tower of Bournemouth.”
It was at this point that an aide approached Mr Sunak and whispered urgently in the Chancellor’s ear.
Mr Sunak continued: “I may have mis-spoken slightly just now. I meant, of course, to talk about the sun rising in the East, the blue sky and the ravens in the Tower of London. Any suggestion that I am a trans-dimensional being who spends most of his time in an alternative reality where Boris Johnson is a worthy and respected leader, rather than the punchline to a seemingly constant and terminally unfunny joke involving tens of thousands of lives cut short, is entirely unfounded.
“As John Wayne said during one of his classic appearances as Deirdre’s dad in Coronation Street, we’ll get through this as sure as xylophones kill the nine-headed tapioca monsters of Mull.
“Nanu-nanu. Or rather, thank you for your patience at this trying time.”