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Nigel’s New Anti-Lockdown Party accidentally locks itself out of headquarters

By Norman Smee

There were faces even redder than usual yesterday when the mustard-corduroy-wearing gammon visages of Nigel Farage and Richard Tice’s new political entity, the “Anti-lockdown or whatever” party, accidentally locked themselves out of their own headquarters, and had to throw a brick through their own caravan just to get back in.

The “Let’s get Nigel back on Telly” party headquarters are based in a run-down former Pontin’s caravan parked dangerously close to the precipice of a cliffside in Dover.

This is so that Mr Farage can indulge himself silly in his two favourite hobbies of sitting outside on a deck chair gleefully watching desperate migrants drowning in the sea, and sniffing Richard Tice’s wallet for sustenance to feed his inner spirit demon.

It took the party members three attempts to get the brick to smash the window for them to gain entry. This was because they kept accidentally throwing the brick at a passing flock of Canadian geese whilst shouting ‘bloody immigrants’.

Brits everywhere had been hopeful that Farage who has shamelessly been suckling at Donald Trump’s fascist nipple these past four years would at least do the decent thing and retire into public obscurity following the downfall of the beaten president.

However, the recent launch of the conspiracy-theorist-magnet ‘Reform Change UK’ or whatever he’s calling it this week is Nigel’s latest attempt to ram his nauseating presence down our throats until we can’t take anymore, devastating millions of Brits across the nation who hoped they were shot of him for good.

Average Brit Susan Median-Smith, 40, a Project Manager and mother-of-two who splits her time equally between Didcot and Milton Keynes, was upset when the News Elephant insisted on telling her that Mr Farage was once again looking to boost his media profile to feather his own considerable nest and would soon be back on the circuit desperate for the oxygen of publicity:

She said: “Ugh. Well, maybe in a funny way this is what we all need. I mean, even in the divided days of Brexit – personally I just couldn’t decide - at least we could all agree that that Farage was a massive twat.

“Perhaps seeing him on the telly again every single day and hearing him rant on the radio about how foreigners – sorry, people wearing face masks - are to blame for all society’s ills, will bring us all closer together?

“Then again, this could just be his latest brazen attempt to jump on whatever bandwagon he thinks might finally get him into Westminster at the twenty-fourth time of asking so he can settle whatever personal score he’s trying to settle, cynically using the people of Britain as his collateral and trying to get us all angry with each other again simply to further the existence of his own parasitic and opportunistic career. God he’s irksome.”