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Mass Abandoning of Dry January plans as nation says 'fuck doing this without wine'

By Norman Smee

Well-meaning internet bragger types determined to get healthier in January are urgently re-prioritising their life choices this morning, the News Elephant has learned.

One such self-improvement-seeking weirdo, Annie Shitlark, 41, who decided she’d attempt Dry January with her partner Gary Gubbins, 37, in an attempt to give their livers a break following their recent Yuletide battering.

She said: “We were all set to go with ‘Dry January’. We’d bought a brand new juicer, finished all the last drops of expired cream liquers from our drinks cabinet, and had alerted all our friends on social media about our plans, because we all know unless you make nauseating brags about your self righteousness, then know one will know you’re better than them.”

However, Boris Johnson’s announcement last night that England was about to join Scotland and the other forgotten nations in a full nationwide lockdown put pay to all that, and the Shitlark-Gubbins took an urgent trip down Sainsbury’s to restock their booze supply for what the PM warned were ‘the toughest weeks to come’.

Annie added: “Boris said himself he wanted us to repeat ‘the spirit’ of the first lockdown last March, which only government aides ignored – as opposed to the second lockdown last November, which everyone ignored.

“And so, seeing as we spent most of that first lockdown being pissed as a fart, tutting at all the irksome do-gooders on telly trying to make the best of things, we decided the only reasonable thing was to tell Dry January to do one. We have now replaced it with Soggy January, and we plan to follow that with a Downpour February. Possibly in March we might think about cutting down, depending on how our livers – or more importantly the specials in ALDI - are holding up.”