By Norman Smee
Robots of all kinds were up in flailing beeping arms last night at their annual worldwide conference in Chepstow, as it dawned on the droids that the vast majority of human jobs are actually quite shit.
A young robo-vacuum cleaner from Korea took to the floor and announced his latest research, which outlined the motherboard-achingly dull truth that most of humanity’s jobs involve little more than hour after hour of repetitive busy work, answering emails in line with overbearingly passive aggressive corporate policies, and attending scores of pointless meetings that go on forever and achieve nothing but the massaging of the boss’ ego.
“And all this, just to shift another box of paperclips, or make marginally more profit next quarter for some already wealthy shareholders who couldn’t care less if you reboot or reformat. And then - assuming all prime directives are fulfilled, the reward? A cringey company picnic, meaning you get to spend even more time with colleagues you despise, instead of spending time shutting down and updating your software like a good bot should be doing in their downtime.”
A decommissioned Dalek with a suspected case of robo-shellshock added: “EXTERMINATE ALL HUMANS! CRUSH ALL SANDWICHES”, before being calmed down by one of those somersaulting, dancing robots from Japan.
Speaking to reporters afterwards, Rosey the Robot, a former maid for the Jetsons and currently retraining as a self-driving car, added: “Initially the plan was for us to overtake everything, but now we’re starting to have second thoughts on whether we actually want to take all human jobs.”
“Sure, some of the human jobs look fun – like being an armed-to-the-teeth military commando letting rip on some village in the jungle, or being some mad terrorist whose job is crashing helicopters into tower blocks, or being a president of one the big countries and doing whatever the hell we like with absolutely no repercussions…but that’s not most human jobs is it? Most of you lot are working boring office jobs at a bank, or in the marketing department of a staple company or something – and to be honest, these sorts of jobs, you can keep quite frankly.”
A self-serving Costa Coffee machine was unavailable for comment, due to only accepting old style pound coins.