By Kit Chentable and Norman Smee
The Government has announced that ‘lessons have been learnt’ when faced with criticism of how they have dealt with the pandemic giving the country a death toll of more than 100,000.
The Government announcement of lessons being learnt immediately and instantly soothed every single bereaved relative, bankrupt business owner, frustrated parent, jaded schoolkid and desperately lonely OAP up and down the land.
To try and make sure the lessons have been well and truly learnt rather than continually making the same mistakes that they have been doing throughout this entire pandemic, The Government has started home-schooling cabinet ministers over Microsoft Teams.
Political observer Tyrone Braithwate said: “Until The Government said ‘lessons have been learnt’, they were right in the shitter. Boris and his government have made a string of catastrophically shitty decisions over the past 10 months, and people were beginning to notice.
“From the initial hand-shaking-denial of his ‘this’ll-all-blow-over-in-12 weeks’ stage, to the exasperating -and ultimately deadly- dither and delay on successive lockdown actions; from the abysmal failure of the ‘world beating’ track and trace system and the continual ignoring of SAGE advisors until the last possible second despite consistently harking on about ‘following the science’, even The Government’s most ardent supporters were beginning to realise that this has been a monumental litany of fuck ups, and the buck stops with them.
“But then they said ‘lessons have been learnt’, and we all unanimously agreed that we just couldn’t stay mad at the little scamps. I’m burying my aunt this weekend, but I can’t even remember what I was angry about anymore, can you?”
According to reports the home-schooling of Government Ministers has been going well so far.
A Government spokesman added: “Alright we know that Michael Gove seems to constantly be interrupting in his continual attempts to be teacher’s pet and that Rishi Sunak keeps telling people to write 80085 on their calculators and then laughing hysterically, but in the main they have been quite good.
“Although Gavin Williamson seems to be causing problems by his inability to be able to sign in to Microsoft Teams as he keeps trying to do it through his microwave oven.
“That Boris is a scallywag though. Always making jokes at the back of the class when he does show up and distracting Gove with his Brexit wheeze. It’s not really any loss that he doesn’t show up sometimes as some pupils are simply unteachable.”