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By Livi Ngroom

“I know it’s only a matter of time before my fellow Tories boot me out so I might as well cause as much damage as possible before I go,” said UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson today.

“I had considered sewing cress into all the carpets in Number 10 or leaving a huge shit in the desk for whoever takes over to discover. To be frank I’ll probably do those things anyway.

“But I’m now considering burning every bridge behind me by forcing the UK to leave The European Convention of Human Rights and essentially turning the country into some kind of rogue state that can finally treat people who get in our way as less than human.

“I mean it’s not as if our Government has ever respected the rule of law anyway so what’s to stop us finally getting the freedom to really put our populace under the jackboot?”

This comes after the UK’s plan to send asylum seekers to Rwanda were thrawted at the last minute after an intervention from the European Court of Human Rights meaning the flight was grounded.

“For too long, I’ve looked at rogue states like Russia, China, North Korea and Iran with envy as they are able to silence any dissidents with impunity and thought I’d like some of that,” Boris added.

“I know that the UK was instrumental after the Second World War in creating the European Convention of Human Rights with the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg acting as its base but who gives a shit about those namby pamby lefties led by Winston Churchill now?

“And who cares that leaving the European Convention of Human Rights would essentially be tearing up The Good Friday Agreement and any Brexit deal with the EU, causing Northern Ireland to get back to its good ol’ days when the ‘Troubles’ were in full swing? I don’t because I will be sunning myself on some tax haven tropical island paid for by one of my lovely Tory donors and will be long gone from Number 10 before the shit really hits the fan.

“And you never know, enough idiots in my own party who also don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves, might just come out and support me as I take the whole country into hell as I go about it.

“Or failing all that I could just take a piss all over the Cabinet room at Number 10 before I go meaning they’ll be cleaning it for months. Decisions, decisions.”