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Corvid-denier pecked half to death by crows, rooks, jackdaws and magpies

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Van-Tam resignation welcomed by Tories as there is no place for truth or honour anywhere near Government

Health

Attempt to transplant Tory's heart into pig fails after pig's body rejects it

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Invading Russian soldiers turned back from Ukrainian border for not having proper covid paperwork

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Australia abolishes covid jabs in favour of just having people hold tennis racquet for a while

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'Try doing some research!' says anti-vaxxer who hadn't even been bothered to research the highly discredited source of their own misinformation

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Daily Mail desperately hoping for New Year celebrations to be banned so readers will have some bad news to enjoy

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Piers Corbyn and confused followers removed from Build-a-Bear shop after accusing staff of secretly running the world

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Grandparents start sweepstake as to which side of the family will give them Omicron this Christmas

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Tories say wearing a suit at a party protects from covid - but only if you're a Tory

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Red covid pill Molnupiravir found to pull people out of the Matrix

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Work from home edict leaves cats fearing they'll have to sleep on keyboards forever

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World Health Organisation meeting besieged by confused pensioners demanding Pinball Wizard and Substitute

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Boris Johnson calls on NHS vaccination staff to really earn that whopping three percent pay rise

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Matt Hancock's return to public life dismays millions who thought he was just some horrible dream they had months ago

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Top Tories to go around pissing on covid victims' graves and have done with it

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