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“Hancock is Totally Fucking Hopeless. I think I’ll promote him,” says Boris 

By Norman Smee

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson was very much the worker blaming his tools during the height of the pandemic, it has emerged, with one tool in particular – health minister Matt Hancock – being labelled ‘totally fucking hopeless’ by the ever-articulate PM.

The slanging match came to light after the PM’s former closest advisor Dominic Cummings published some Whatsapp chats on his blog, Scrotesack, which appeared to show Johnson endorsing the aforementioned assessment of Hancock’s professional abilities.

Cummings and Johnson were teat-and-child close for much of 2020,  but have since had a very public falling out - ostensibly for reasons to do with ‘matters of principle’ but much more likely to actually be about ego and money -  specifically, who is the biggest liar and who can make the most profit from it.

However, despite what would in anyone’s book seem a stone-cold rejection of someone’s suitability for a very important role during the biggest public health crisis in over a century, Boris not only continues to employ the man who is apparently ‘totally fucking hopeless,’ but has actually spent much of the pandemic noticeably endorsing his various failings - from track and trace to dodgy contracts to mates to a string of broken targets, dates and promises, the cumulative mess of which has left over 125,000 Brits dead and a nation still in lockdown.

When pressed on this point, Boris stunned the gathered reporters by replying: “Just because someone’s Totally Fucking Hopeless doesn’t mean they’re unsuitable for a senior position in Government. Look at Michael Gove for heaven’s sake! Man’s been failing upwards even before I made it cool.”