By Norman Smee
Pastafarians across the UK insisted they were touched here, here, and also here by HIS mighty noodley appendage over the weekend, as they joined the swelling saucy tide of public opinion insisting the almighty pasta deity appear as a ‘choice of religion’ option on the UK census 2021, which will be sent to every household in the UK this March.
This year’s census, which following previous social media campaigns already includes several jokey religious options such as ‘Jedi Knight’, ‘The one with the hats’ and ‘Buddhist’, is currently missing representation for the much-maligned, colander-wearing followers of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Critics of the carb-lover’s church, such as those who insist Dogmatic-level Creation Theory should be taught in schools alongside actual real science, have threatened to hold several Pastafarian book burnings in protest at FSM’s campaign for recognition, but have so far been able to set anything on fire except their own trousers.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster himself, who appeared briefly in the form of melted cheese on top of a Lasagne in Rotherham last night, issued the following proclamation: “Oh, my starchy brothers and sisters. When’st thou casteth your mind back to the promised days of Locke-Down last March…didest thou Britons ‘panic worship’ to churches or mosques to seek inner peace and salvation? No! Thou Britons were united as one, linguine-like mass -and lo - they did storm the aisles of Sainsburys and filleth up their cup with pasta of all shapes and sizes, until the holy bounty was bare!
“And so I state unto thee – when Britons are feeling frightened and lost - they turn not to thy God, but to Spaghetti! Thus, the Holy Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster should rejoice as they partake in this latest Book of Numbers!”
In response to the vision, and the subsequent groundswell of support from bored wags online, The Office for National Statistics said: “Oh FFS, not this again,” though this Tweet was later deleted.