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"Oh, great," says rhinoceros as zoo reopens to gawping hordes

Features

Would-be spree killers complain Biden's home-made gun ban means they'll have to go to the shops like all the other murderers

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Duke of Edinburgh carefully briefed before being introduced to Buddha

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Man to spend entire weekend moaning about bike lanes

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SAS fantasists research Myanmar Embassy layout in case there's a siege they can pretend to have ended

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EXCLUSIVE: Whitty and Vallance to keep shuffling podiums outwards until they're not in the same room as Boris anymore

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Boris to launch new Moonshot in search of the last one

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Boris confirms England easing of lockdown on April 12 but forgets to mention which year

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Church of England denies clergy are in fact elaborate disguises operated by cats

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Boring smart-arse sacrificed by giant rabbit at Stonehenge after yet again saying Easter stolen from Pagans

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Seeing pound shop Halloween display reminds man to buy Easter eggs for wife and children

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Inspectorate of Constabulary to issue Met with stack of blank certificates clearing it of all future wrongdoing

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Satirical website unsure what to do on April Fool’s Day, disappears in puff of logic

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Top schools in sex abuse scandal say they're merely breeding future elite barristers and judges

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Gareth Southgate confirms England squad for Euros already picked but waistcoat options remain undecided

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Antichrist demands rule of 666

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