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Emergency plan to remove Trump from White House with enormous sheets of lavatory paper if he refuses to go

By Gaylussacia Nana

American President-Elect Joe Biden has ordered an ambitious contingency plan in case Donald Trump refuses to relinquish the White House.

Devised in co-operation with senior CIA personnel who have proved themselves not to be in league with the tangerine-hued arsehole, Operation Cling-On would see huge sheets of lavatory paper deployed from helicopters to remove him.

A 200ft-wide roll of lavatory paper has been manufactured at a secret ‘black site’ and is currently being stored in a warehouse at Area 51 alongside a 300ft tin of air freshener whose nozzle is operated by a series of radio-controlled hydraulic rams.

Should Operation Cling-On have to be put into action, it will begin with the cutting of water and electricity supplies to the White House.

This, coupled with the placing of agents posing as a group of news crews in the grounds, will lureTrump outside to say something deranged.

Once the outgoing President is in the open air, the enormous sheets of lavatory paper, each suspended from two unmarked Chinook heavy-duty transport helicopters playing Ride of the Valkyries through powerful speakers, will be dragged along the ground until Trump and any of his associated lickspittles are securely wiped up.

After this is done, four more Chinooks will deposit the giant tin of air freshener. Remote operators will give the White House and the surrounding area at least a dozen generous blasts, just to be on the safe side.

Finally, two more Chinooks will plant a freestanding square sign bearing the message: “We’d give that ten minutes if we were you.”