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Doctors warn of mass fatalities if people hold breath waiting for police to hold Tories accountable for anything, ever

By Leppy Pardalis

Anybody holding their breath waiting for the police to prosecute Tories for partying during lockdown risks death, leading doctors warned today.

The Royal College of Surgeons spoke out after reading online comments from members of the public following the latest revelation about partying by Prime Minister Boris Johnson and his band of lying, hypocritical parasites.

A spokesperson for the Royal College said: “It has come to our attention that many members of the public have been joking on social media about what would happen if they held their breath waiting for the police to do anything about the filthy, disgusting, immoral behaviour of the Prime Minister and the sneering, braying, giggling public-school-and-Oxbridge vermin with which he surrounds himself.

“We strongly advise against saying such things, even in jest, as it may lead some people - perhaps people who cling to the ridiculous belief that British people are all equal before the law - to hold their breath to see what happens.

“What will happen, of course, is that they will die. In fact, even if they do something less drastic such as trying holding their breath for as long as they are able, letting it out and repeating the process until the partying Tories are punished in any way, shape or form, the strain they place on their heart and respiratory system will almost certainly kill them.”

A spokesperson for the National Police Chiefs’ Council said: “We can confirm that no senior Tories or their grinning lickspittles will be brought to book for any crimes, as they are exempt from lockdown rules.

“However, ordinary members of the public can still expect to be treated as public enemy number one for anything from bringing a flask of tea on a country walk to farting in Asda.”