By Leppy Pardalis
Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been stripped of his official status as a complete and utter liar.
Describing Health Secretary Matt Hancock as totally fucking hopeless means that Mr Johnson has told the truth on at least one occasion, which in turn means he is no longer entitled to the distinction of spouting 100 percent crap - a distinction he had enjoyed throughout his time at Number 10 and for some years before.
The task of breaking the sad news to the Prime Minister fell to Professor James Hollocks, Emeritus Chancellor of the Institute of Cobblerology and author of learned scientific research treatise Trouser Ignition and its Relationship to Talking a Load of Shite.
Prof Hollocks said: “I am afraid that the Institute of Cobblerology has very strict rules when it comes to awarding a person the rare status of being a complete liar, and the strictest of all is that the person in question must speak nothing but the purest old load of Brad Pitt, the most unalloyed old pony and trap, whenever they open their mouth.
“Any utterance of truth, even an isolated one, inevitably means they are no longer a complete liar.
“The fact that Mr Johnson has conspicuously failed to deny saying that Matt Hancock is totally fucking hopeless, coupled with the fact that Mr Hancock is indeed totally fucking hopeless by any objective measure, left us with no alternative.”