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• Horror of Eamonn Holmes foot stimulator ad officially classified as greater than that of The Exorcist

• Library to host Thick Bigoted Bastard Story Hour in interests of fairness

• Official status of UK amended from 'For Fuck's Sake' to 'We're All Doomed'

• Right Said Fred to undergo unsexiness surgery so they can finally wear shirts again

• Bizarre medical condition involving pulling random numbers from arse is named Truss-Sunak Syndrome

• Starmer to purge Labour front bench of people with principles and other dangerous subversives